Update

My diet is not going well. I'm up and down, but not with an overall downward slope. Not really an upward slope either though, so I'll take some heart.

I just hate dieting and I love food. That's my problem. For me, going on a diet is like saying goodbye to an old friend. I'm somewhat of an emotional eater, but not to the point that I see some people. I don't need psychological help for my emotional eating. I eat for three reasons: emotional comfort, hunger, and satiety. Most of the time, I eat for the latter two reasons, and when I eat for emotional comfort, I fully realize that that's what I'm doing and that I know better.

Here's the thing: with most people, eating for hunger and eating for satiety are the same thing. For me, they are not. Eating something that will provide my nutritional requirements and make me feel full doesn't go anywhere near satisfying my need for food. I have a semi-spiritual relationship with food. I love to cook, I love to have other people eat what I cook, and I love to enjoy the fruits of my labor. I just love all things food. I love watching Food Network and learning new ways to handle food. I love buying all kinds of cooking implements to help me handle food. I thrive on the praise I receive from other people for a meal well cooked. I am energized with the challenge of rooting through my pantry and making up new recipes. I'm exhilerated when I go shopping and can find/get wonderful deals on food and then use the things I bought to make delicious meals for my family. Doing all of those things requires the eventual consuming of food. There are not enough ways out there to cook for one person, so I can't make myself and my husband a seperate meal every night. I don't have enough money to order things like Nutrisystem so that I can cut off my relationship with food almost completely. The circumstances of my life and my personal convictions force me to be in contact with food throughout the day. Beyond simply eating, I must plan my meals and those of my husband, which requires a great deal of thought and planning so I can stay within our budget. Dieting almost sabotages itself because of the amount of time you must spend dealing with food. Weighing out portions, juggling calories, fat, protien, and carbs all force you to think about food. The various preperation methods which can add calories or subtract nutrients force you to think about food. Your inevitable hunger makes you think about food.

Where am I going with this? I really don't know. What I do know is that my diet is not going well, and while I know I must stick to it, and keep trying new things if I find what I'm doing isn't working, it's really getting on my nerves.

A Letter to Clothing Designers

Dear Clothing Designers,

Hello. I am overweight and trying to rectify that situation. I appreciate the fact that you exist so that I do not have to sew my own clothes each time I reach a new size. That would be incredibly annoying and time consuming, so thank you.

I do have one complaint, though. You see, I know that I cannot be any less than a size 12 at the moment. However, when I went into a store to purchase some capris for the beach, I found the size 12s to be too big. Now, I know that I could not have magically lost enough weight to fit into a size smaller than a 12 between the time I got up that morning and the time when I entered the dressing room to try on the capris. So, the only conclusion I can reach about suddenly finding myself a full size smaller than I thought is that there must be something wonky with the sizing.

Then I remembered an article I read in a magazine. The article was about vanity sizing. So, I had to conclude that my sudden loss of a full pant size was due to the feeble attempt to stroke my ego so that I would be happier and, perhaps, buy more clothes. Well, thank you, but no thank you. I do not need any ego-stroking. Believe it or not, my self respect does not depend on what size of clothing I wear. I know that is difficult for you to hear, but it's true. Please remember during your shock that the truth is really the best thing all around.

I will conclude with a simple request: Please set up a meeting for all clothing designers who have a line in the United States. When all the representatives arrive, please make sure they have all seen this letter and recovered from the shock. I don't want anyone going away with nightmares because of the knowledge that my (and many other women's) self esteem does not depend on their clothing size. Once everyone has heard or read and digested the information, please begin to come up with a set of measurements that everyone is happy with for the various sizes and styles.

I know I am asking a lot for each designer to give up some of their individuality and the idea that they are helping women by telling us we are smaller than we actually are. However, it would make things so much simpler. Imagine, if you will, a world where every woman knows exactly what size she is. She could walk into a store, find what she needs, buy it, and skip the dressing room altogether. This would leave more time for her to spend with her family, her friends, or at work, making more money to spend on more of your clothes. Wouldn't that be a wonderful place to live?

Please take this suggestion to heart. I would love for my closet to be filled with clothes that embrace me and my true size, rather than mock me and tell me I can't handle the truth of my real size.

Most Sincerely,
K8E

Almost 10 Lbs!

So, I've lost almost 10 pounds. I also managed to actually lose weight through my 21st birthday and the Fourth of July. And considering that I had three birthday celebrations, ate cake at all of them, the amount of alcohol I consumed at one of them, and that I didn't restrict myself on the Fourth, I'm pretty close to declaring a miracle.

On the other hand, it's kind of depressing to realize that it's taken about 3 months to lose ten pounds. Which means that if I keep going like this it will take another 15 months to lose the rest. So, it'll be OCTOBER next year before I have everything off.

Thankfully, I don't intend to keep going like this. I'm about a pound heavier then I expected to be about now, and I fully intend to rectify that as soon as possible. And, if it does take until OCTOBER of next year, then I will just keep going, because I refuse to give up this time. I will not spend the rest of my life dieting, but to avoid that, I need to lose this weight NOW!!!

8 lbs!

Yay! I've lost eight pounds.

I've also decided to modify my diet a bit. I've added a 90-140 calorie snack to my day. I tried this yesterday, and I actually found myself not starving. So, here's the diet now:

8:00 - Slimfast
Water, water, water, water, water
11:00 - Slimfast or snack
Water, water, water, water, water
2:00 - Snack (if not eaten earlier) or Slimfast
Water, water, water, water, water
4:30ish - Slimfast
Water, water, water, water, water
6:30ish - Healthy dinner
Water, water, water, water, water

Yum!

Feeling Better

I'm feeling better about the diet again. I've lost a little bit more, and that always helps to re-motivate me. I also got some rest this weekend and that helped. Sometimes I think I'm not eating enough calories to allow me to do all the things I do without feeling over-tired and dragged down. So I ate a few more calories this weekend. I think I'm going to continue with that pattern. I'll eat no more than 1200 (and no less), and then on the weekends I'll bump it to 1500.

I hope to get a doctor's appt sometime this week or next to speak with her about the HcG diet or another appetite suppresant. I hope that if I'm not as hungry then I won't have as many mood problems. I'm also going to try to get some Sam-E supplements to help out with my moodiness.

Burn-out

I'm a little down today. I'm burned out on water and work. For my work burn out details, see my personal blog.

I'm SICK SICK SICK! of drinking water. I wish there was something else I could drink that had no calories, but I'm intolerant of all artificial sweetners. You don't want to know the details, but I would be one sick girl if I ingested that stuff. That's part of the reason dieting is so difficult for me and the rest of my family. 'Diet' and 'no sugar' things are not an option. I was super excited when Splenda came out because I thought I'd be able to stand that. Nope. All I taste from it is salt, not sweetness, and if I have more than one serving of whatever it is in (or, depending on the amount, less than one serving) I get sick. I could lose weight that way, true, and it's tempting at times to make myself sick so I lose the weight, but I know that's not a solution. I would just gain the weight back, because that's what my body does: gain weight.

So, in case you couldn't tell, I'm a little frustrated. Mostly it stems from drinking so much water. I know the numbers on the scale are going down, and I think I'm losing inches, but I'm tired of water. I used to love water, and now I have to force myself to drink it. Grrrr.

I know that when I've lost all the weight and I will finally allow myself to have a child that this will all be worth it, and just a memory of how much I can overcome when I put my best effort forth. For now, I'm going to stew in my frustration a bit and hopefully see those numbers go down again tomorrow morning.

On my way

So, I'm down to 191.5!!!! Yay! I've taken off almost all the weight I put on after the wedding. Michael and I are going to Orlando for my birthday, probably to Wet 'n' Wild, and I don't think I'll feel that fat. In fact, it's a distinct possibility that I will weigh less than I have ever weighed in my adult life by the time we get there. Because I could lose 3 lbs a week on my loverly new diet. And yes, I used the word 'loverly' on purpose, I <3 My Fair Lady.
Anyway, I'm firming up (thank you Curves) and slimming down (thank you Doc for your permission to go on this crazy diet). I'm a little hungry I'm so full I can barely stand it and I'm enjoying every little calorie I don't eat because it's causing me to lose weight, and it's so worth it!