New Resolve

Have you ever run into something that re-started your commitment to a project?

Well, I just did. My project is me, my body specifically. What did I run into? A little blue line. Yep, one little blue line. Changed my whole perspective.
You see, the problem with that little blue line was that it was not accompanied by another little blue line perpendicular to it. Confused? Let me go back to the beginning....

I woke up this morning, took my temperature, and discovered that it still hadn't shot up, which would signal my ovulation. That was mildly disturbing, because I should be ovulating any day now, and really should have yesterday, the day before, or the day before that. I'd also been having stomach pains, but not nausea. (You may already see where I'm going with this.) Let me make this clear, though: I did not think I was pregnant. I had my full period, and I had ovulated regularly before that. Since I have not ovulated since my period, there isn't really a chance that I could be pregnant, excepting divine intervention. Michael, on the other hand, being a guy and not fully understand all things girly (especially how 'it' works) thought I might be pregnant.

Michael's birthday is tomorrow, and I thought that if, because of divine intervention, I was pregnant, it would be really cool to tell him on his bithday. So the plan was to go to the store on my lunch hour and get a test. First, though, I went lingerie shopping, because I generally wear something new on his birthday. That was a small stumbling block, and started the head-long smack into the lonely little blue line. You see, I found a fabulous full-length nightgown that I knew would make him ... happy. I also opted for the smaller size of the two that I thought would fit because of the weight I had lost. I took it to the fitting room, and it did fit, it just wasn't flattering because of the pounds I still have to lose. My new resolve began to blossom.

I went out to the car, and knew my next stop would be CVS to get a pregnancy test. Then I felt it. A little bubble of excitment. Up until this point I had staunchly denied that I was pregnant, and I wasn't sad about it, having not yet met my weightloss goal. But there it was: I was excited that I might be pregnant. So I got the test, got back to the office, used the test, and there it was: one little horizontal blue line. Not two making a + sign, just the one. Just a -. I was not bitterly dissapointed, because I haven't met my goal, but it was enough to remind me why I'm doing this. It helped to remind me of the time when I will get to tell Michael that God has bestowed us with a miracle. And what I want to look like then, how healthy I want to be then.

So I have new resolve, and about 45 lbs to go.

A First

You'll never guess what I did this morning.

Seriously, it's ok, I'll wait. Guess.

Have you guessed yet?

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(I just threw that last one in for kicks :P)

So what's your guess? Wow...that's a good guess. But you're wrong. And I know you're wrong because I, myself, have never done this before. I've thought about it a few times, several, in fact, but I have never actually built up the gumption to do it.

What did I do? I got my butt out of bed at 5:45 AM this morning and I went for a run. Outside. In the dark. Outside. I was outside in the dark with just my little half-dog, and my husband's cell phone for company.

I will confess that I didn't really run the whole time. I speed-walked, and then I jogged, and then I ran for a little while. Then I had to walk again. Part of the problem was the puppy (who's not really a puppy anymore, but is still small, and so he's a puppy), who was super-excited to be out and about and therefore wanted to sniff-inspect every blade of grass and square inch of road or sidewalk we came across; he also heard nature's call and we had to stop a few times for that. The other part of the problem is that I am woefully out of shape when it comes to running, and I have asthma, which was only aggravated by the lovely humidity that TS Fay left behind. So I did the best I could while I was continuously calling to Harley to get him to keep up (which is rarely a problem), and trying to remember that I wasn't actually trying to breath water.

Here's the point: I set a goal for myself of getting out of bed, going outside, and walking/jogging/running/doing some form of exercise for 30 minutes. And I did. I was out of the house at 6 (with hubby's cell because I couldn't find mine and didn't want to be out in the dark without one), and I walked/jogged/ran for 15 minutes, and I went about a mile round-trip. Then I got in the house, dried off the puppy (wet grass...thanks Fay), and continued to exercise for another 15 minutes doing strength-training for my pitifully weak arms.

The reason I had to do all this? Gas prices. Really, I promise, here's how: Gas prices reached their peak just after Michael had to get a new job because of the state's budget cuts. Because our work schedules now coincided, we decided to start riding together. The problem with that is that it severely cut down on my Curves (women's gym) time, because Michael didn't have anything to do after work while I exercised for 45 minutes*. So I had to stop going after work. I tried to work while he was at my office for lunch and then take my lunch break later, but they are closed from 1-3 p.m. That forced me to either take my true lunch from 11-12 or from 3-4, since I can't routinely take lunch from 4-5, or come in at 9:00 a.m. Neither of those are very appealing. With the earlier one I would have to leave work just as I was flowing along nicely in a work groove that would take me to my 12-1 lunch without noticing the time pass. Then I would have to come back and work from 12-5. Ugh. Taking lunch from 3-4 requires me to work from 8-3. That's 7 hours straight! Then I would take a lunch and come back for one measly hour. Not happening. By the time I got all this figured out through trial and error, gas prices had started to come down a little, but the numbers on the scale (gasp, shriek, horror of horrors!) were going up. I couldn't let that happen. So Michael and I started driving separately 2 days a week. Which often turned into one or no days because of various things (Michael's lawn care business being the root of all of those various things).

I had to come up with another plan, and this is it. I'm keeping my Curves membership, because Curves is awesome, and I love getting there when I can, but this is the new main exercise plan. Wish me luck!

K8E

*Curves says it's 30 minutes, but by the time you get over there, change your clothes, work-out and stretch, it's 45 minutes.

Update

My diet is not going well. I'm up and down, but not with an overall downward slope. Not really an upward slope either though, so I'll take some heart.

I just hate dieting and I love food. That's my problem. For me, going on a diet is like saying goodbye to an old friend. I'm somewhat of an emotional eater, but not to the point that I see some people. I don't need psychological help for my emotional eating. I eat for three reasons: emotional comfort, hunger, and satiety. Most of the time, I eat for the latter two reasons, and when I eat for emotional comfort, I fully realize that that's what I'm doing and that I know better.

Here's the thing: with most people, eating for hunger and eating for satiety are the same thing. For me, they are not. Eating something that will provide my nutritional requirements and make me feel full doesn't go anywhere near satisfying my need for food. I have a semi-spiritual relationship with food. I love to cook, I love to have other people eat what I cook, and I love to enjoy the fruits of my labor. I just love all things food. I love watching Food Network and learning new ways to handle food. I love buying all kinds of cooking implements to help me handle food. I thrive on the praise I receive from other people for a meal well cooked. I am energized with the challenge of rooting through my pantry and making up new recipes. I'm exhilerated when I go shopping and can find/get wonderful deals on food and then use the things I bought to make delicious meals for my family. Doing all of those things requires the eventual consuming of food. There are not enough ways out there to cook for one person, so I can't make myself and my husband a seperate meal every night. I don't have enough money to order things like Nutrisystem so that I can cut off my relationship with food almost completely. The circumstances of my life and my personal convictions force me to be in contact with food throughout the day. Beyond simply eating, I must plan my meals and those of my husband, which requires a great deal of thought and planning so I can stay within our budget. Dieting almost sabotages itself because of the amount of time you must spend dealing with food. Weighing out portions, juggling calories, fat, protien, and carbs all force you to think about food. The various preperation methods which can add calories or subtract nutrients force you to think about food. Your inevitable hunger makes you think about food.

Where am I going with this? I really don't know. What I do know is that my diet is not going well, and while I know I must stick to it, and keep trying new things if I find what I'm doing isn't working, it's really getting on my nerves.