The Downhill Slope

I am finally losing weight that I have never lost before. I'm calling this the end of the yo-yo phase. If I was ever this weight, it was sometime in high school that I don't remember, and that doesn't count because I wasn't an adult yet. My weight? 182.7! Yes! My weight graph finally is going downhill! Yay!

Contest

One of my co-workers has started a biggest loser contest. We pay $5 each payday from now until the Christmas party, and whoever loses the most by the Christmas party wins all the money. Woohoo! I'm always up for earning some extra cash! So wish me luck, because I most certainly intend to be the biggest loser. :)

New Resolve

Have you ever run into something that re-started your commitment to a project?

Well, I just did. My project is me, my body specifically. What did I run into? A little blue line. Yep, one little blue line. Changed my whole perspective.
You see, the problem with that little blue line was that it was not accompanied by another little blue line perpendicular to it. Confused? Let me go back to the beginning....

I woke up this morning, took my temperature, and discovered that it still hadn't shot up, which would signal my ovulation. That was mildly disturbing, because I should be ovulating any day now, and really should have yesterday, the day before, or the day before that. I'd also been having stomach pains, but not nausea. (You may already see where I'm going with this.) Let me make this clear, though: I did not think I was pregnant. I had my full period, and I had ovulated regularly before that. Since I have not ovulated since my period, there isn't really a chance that I could be pregnant, excepting divine intervention. Michael, on the other hand, being a guy and not fully understand all things girly (especially how 'it' works) thought I might be pregnant.

Michael's birthday is tomorrow, and I thought that if, because of divine intervention, I was pregnant, it would be really cool to tell him on his bithday. So the plan was to go to the store on my lunch hour and get a test. First, though, I went lingerie shopping, because I generally wear something new on his birthday. That was a small stumbling block, and started the head-long smack into the lonely little blue line. You see, I found a fabulous full-length nightgown that I knew would make him ... happy. I also opted for the smaller size of the two that I thought would fit because of the weight I had lost. I took it to the fitting room, and it did fit, it just wasn't flattering because of the pounds I still have to lose. My new resolve began to blossom.

I went out to the car, and knew my next stop would be CVS to get a pregnancy test. Then I felt it. A little bubble of excitment. Up until this point I had staunchly denied that I was pregnant, and I wasn't sad about it, having not yet met my weightloss goal. But there it was: I was excited that I might be pregnant. So I got the test, got back to the office, used the test, and there it was: one little horizontal blue line. Not two making a + sign, just the one. Just a -. I was not bitterly dissapointed, because I haven't met my goal, but it was enough to remind me why I'm doing this. It helped to remind me of the time when I will get to tell Michael that God has bestowed us with a miracle. And what I want to look like then, how healthy I want to be then.

So I have new resolve, and about 45 lbs to go.

A First

You'll never guess what I did this morning.

Seriously, it's ok, I'll wait. Guess.

Have you guessed yet?

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(I just threw that last one in for kicks :P)

So what's your guess? Wow...that's a good guess. But you're wrong. And I know you're wrong because I, myself, have never done this before. I've thought about it a few times, several, in fact, but I have never actually built up the gumption to do it.

What did I do? I got my butt out of bed at 5:45 AM this morning and I went for a run. Outside. In the dark. Outside. I was outside in the dark with just my little half-dog, and my husband's cell phone for company.

I will confess that I didn't really run the whole time. I speed-walked, and then I jogged, and then I ran for a little while. Then I had to walk again. Part of the problem was the puppy (who's not really a puppy anymore, but is still small, and so he's a puppy), who was super-excited to be out and about and therefore wanted to sniff-inspect every blade of grass and square inch of road or sidewalk we came across; he also heard nature's call and we had to stop a few times for that. The other part of the problem is that I am woefully out of shape when it comes to running, and I have asthma, which was only aggravated by the lovely humidity that TS Fay left behind. So I did the best I could while I was continuously calling to Harley to get him to keep up (which is rarely a problem), and trying to remember that I wasn't actually trying to breath water.

Here's the point: I set a goal for myself of getting out of bed, going outside, and walking/jogging/running/doing some form of exercise for 30 minutes. And I did. I was out of the house at 6 (with hubby's cell because I couldn't find mine and didn't want to be out in the dark without one), and I walked/jogged/ran for 15 minutes, and I went about a mile round-trip. Then I got in the house, dried off the puppy (wet grass...thanks Fay), and continued to exercise for another 15 minutes doing strength-training for my pitifully weak arms.

The reason I had to do all this? Gas prices. Really, I promise, here's how: Gas prices reached their peak just after Michael had to get a new job because of the state's budget cuts. Because our work schedules now coincided, we decided to start riding together. The problem with that is that it severely cut down on my Curves (women's gym) time, because Michael didn't have anything to do after work while I exercised for 45 minutes*. So I had to stop going after work. I tried to work while he was at my office for lunch and then take my lunch break later, but they are closed from 1-3 p.m. That forced me to either take my true lunch from 11-12 or from 3-4, since I can't routinely take lunch from 4-5, or come in at 9:00 a.m. Neither of those are very appealing. With the earlier one I would have to leave work just as I was flowing along nicely in a work groove that would take me to my 12-1 lunch without noticing the time pass. Then I would have to come back and work from 12-5. Ugh. Taking lunch from 3-4 requires me to work from 8-3. That's 7 hours straight! Then I would take a lunch and come back for one measly hour. Not happening. By the time I got all this figured out through trial and error, gas prices had started to come down a little, but the numbers on the scale (gasp, shriek, horror of horrors!) were going up. I couldn't let that happen. So Michael and I started driving separately 2 days a week. Which often turned into one or no days because of various things (Michael's lawn care business being the root of all of those various things).

I had to come up with another plan, and this is it. I'm keeping my Curves membership, because Curves is awesome, and I love getting there when I can, but this is the new main exercise plan. Wish me luck!

K8E

*Curves says it's 30 minutes, but by the time you get over there, change your clothes, work-out and stretch, it's 45 minutes.

Update

My diet is not going well. I'm up and down, but not with an overall downward slope. Not really an upward slope either though, so I'll take some heart.

I just hate dieting and I love food. That's my problem. For me, going on a diet is like saying goodbye to an old friend. I'm somewhat of an emotional eater, but not to the point that I see some people. I don't need psychological help for my emotional eating. I eat for three reasons: emotional comfort, hunger, and satiety. Most of the time, I eat for the latter two reasons, and when I eat for emotional comfort, I fully realize that that's what I'm doing and that I know better.

Here's the thing: with most people, eating for hunger and eating for satiety are the same thing. For me, they are not. Eating something that will provide my nutritional requirements and make me feel full doesn't go anywhere near satisfying my need for food. I have a semi-spiritual relationship with food. I love to cook, I love to have other people eat what I cook, and I love to enjoy the fruits of my labor. I just love all things food. I love watching Food Network and learning new ways to handle food. I love buying all kinds of cooking implements to help me handle food. I thrive on the praise I receive from other people for a meal well cooked. I am energized with the challenge of rooting through my pantry and making up new recipes. I'm exhilerated when I go shopping and can find/get wonderful deals on food and then use the things I bought to make delicious meals for my family. Doing all of those things requires the eventual consuming of food. There are not enough ways out there to cook for one person, so I can't make myself and my husband a seperate meal every night. I don't have enough money to order things like Nutrisystem so that I can cut off my relationship with food almost completely. The circumstances of my life and my personal convictions force me to be in contact with food throughout the day. Beyond simply eating, I must plan my meals and those of my husband, which requires a great deal of thought and planning so I can stay within our budget. Dieting almost sabotages itself because of the amount of time you must spend dealing with food. Weighing out portions, juggling calories, fat, protien, and carbs all force you to think about food. The various preperation methods which can add calories or subtract nutrients force you to think about food. Your inevitable hunger makes you think about food.

Where am I going with this? I really don't know. What I do know is that my diet is not going well, and while I know I must stick to it, and keep trying new things if I find what I'm doing isn't working, it's really getting on my nerves.

A Letter to Clothing Designers

Dear Clothing Designers,

Hello. I am overweight and trying to rectify that situation. I appreciate the fact that you exist so that I do not have to sew my own clothes each time I reach a new size. That would be incredibly annoying and time consuming, so thank you.

I do have one complaint, though. You see, I know that I cannot be any less than a size 12 at the moment. However, when I went into a store to purchase some capris for the beach, I found the size 12s to be too big. Now, I know that I could not have magically lost enough weight to fit into a size smaller than a 12 between the time I got up that morning and the time when I entered the dressing room to try on the capris. So, the only conclusion I can reach about suddenly finding myself a full size smaller than I thought is that there must be something wonky with the sizing.

Then I remembered an article I read in a magazine. The article was about vanity sizing. So, I had to conclude that my sudden loss of a full pant size was due to the feeble attempt to stroke my ego so that I would be happier and, perhaps, buy more clothes. Well, thank you, but no thank you. I do not need any ego-stroking. Believe it or not, my self respect does not depend on what size of clothing I wear. I know that is difficult for you to hear, but it's true. Please remember during your shock that the truth is really the best thing all around.

I will conclude with a simple request: Please set up a meeting for all clothing designers who have a line in the United States. When all the representatives arrive, please make sure they have all seen this letter and recovered from the shock. I don't want anyone going away with nightmares because of the knowledge that my (and many other women's) self esteem does not depend on their clothing size. Once everyone has heard or read and digested the information, please begin to come up with a set of measurements that everyone is happy with for the various sizes and styles.

I know I am asking a lot for each designer to give up some of their individuality and the idea that they are helping women by telling us we are smaller than we actually are. However, it would make things so much simpler. Imagine, if you will, a world where every woman knows exactly what size she is. She could walk into a store, find what she needs, buy it, and skip the dressing room altogether. This would leave more time for her to spend with her family, her friends, or at work, making more money to spend on more of your clothes. Wouldn't that be a wonderful place to live?

Please take this suggestion to heart. I would love for my closet to be filled with clothes that embrace me and my true size, rather than mock me and tell me I can't handle the truth of my real size.

Most Sincerely,
K8E

Almost 10 Lbs!

So, I've lost almost 10 pounds. I also managed to actually lose weight through my 21st birthday and the Fourth of July. And considering that I had three birthday celebrations, ate cake at all of them, the amount of alcohol I consumed at one of them, and that I didn't restrict myself on the Fourth, I'm pretty close to declaring a miracle.

On the other hand, it's kind of depressing to realize that it's taken about 3 months to lose ten pounds. Which means that if I keep going like this it will take another 15 months to lose the rest. So, it'll be OCTOBER next year before I have everything off.

Thankfully, I don't intend to keep going like this. I'm about a pound heavier then I expected to be about now, and I fully intend to rectify that as soon as possible. And, if it does take until OCTOBER of next year, then I will just keep going, because I refuse to give up this time. I will not spend the rest of my life dieting, but to avoid that, I need to lose this weight NOW!!!

8 lbs!

Yay! I've lost eight pounds.

I've also decided to modify my diet a bit. I've added a 90-140 calorie snack to my day. I tried this yesterday, and I actually found myself not starving. So, here's the diet now:

8:00 - Slimfast
Water, water, water, water, water
11:00 - Slimfast or snack
Water, water, water, water, water
2:00 - Snack (if not eaten earlier) or Slimfast
Water, water, water, water, water
4:30ish - Slimfast
Water, water, water, water, water
6:30ish - Healthy dinner
Water, water, water, water, water

Yum!

Feeling Better

I'm feeling better about the diet again. I've lost a little bit more, and that always helps to re-motivate me. I also got some rest this weekend and that helped. Sometimes I think I'm not eating enough calories to allow me to do all the things I do without feeling over-tired and dragged down. So I ate a few more calories this weekend. I think I'm going to continue with that pattern. I'll eat no more than 1200 (and no less), and then on the weekends I'll bump it to 1500.

I hope to get a doctor's appt sometime this week or next to speak with her about the HcG diet or another appetite suppresant. I hope that if I'm not as hungry then I won't have as many mood problems. I'm also going to try to get some Sam-E supplements to help out with my moodiness.

Burn-out

I'm a little down today. I'm burned out on water and work. For my work burn out details, see my personal blog.

I'm SICK SICK SICK! of drinking water. I wish there was something else I could drink that had no calories, but I'm intolerant of all artificial sweetners. You don't want to know the details, but I would be one sick girl if I ingested that stuff. That's part of the reason dieting is so difficult for me and the rest of my family. 'Diet' and 'no sugar' things are not an option. I was super excited when Splenda came out because I thought I'd be able to stand that. Nope. All I taste from it is salt, not sweetness, and if I have more than one serving of whatever it is in (or, depending on the amount, less than one serving) I get sick. I could lose weight that way, true, and it's tempting at times to make myself sick so I lose the weight, but I know that's not a solution. I would just gain the weight back, because that's what my body does: gain weight.

So, in case you couldn't tell, I'm a little frustrated. Mostly it stems from drinking so much water. I know the numbers on the scale are going down, and I think I'm losing inches, but I'm tired of water. I used to love water, and now I have to force myself to drink it. Grrrr.

I know that when I've lost all the weight and I will finally allow myself to have a child that this will all be worth it, and just a memory of how much I can overcome when I put my best effort forth. For now, I'm going to stew in my frustration a bit and hopefully see those numbers go down again tomorrow morning.

On my way

So, I'm down to 191.5!!!! Yay! I've taken off almost all the weight I put on after the wedding. Michael and I are going to Orlando for my birthday, probably to Wet 'n' Wild, and I don't think I'll feel that fat. In fact, it's a distinct possibility that I will weigh less than I have ever weighed in my adult life by the time we get there. Because I could lose 3 lbs a week on my loverly new diet. And yes, I used the word 'loverly' on purpose, I <3 My Fair Lady.
Anyway, I'm firming up (thank you Curves) and slimming down (thank you Doc for your permission to go on this crazy diet). I'm a little hungry I'm so full I can barely stand it and I'm enjoying every little calorie I don't eat because it's causing me to lose weight, and it's so worth it!

Slow and Steady

Slow and steady wins the race, right? I know I have to stick with it and just power through this plateau. I lost another 1/2 a pound, to make it 192.8. I'll take it, and just keep going.
I am very frustrated with how slow I'm losing weight. I'm finally meeting my exercise goals, but I have been exercising all along. Three or four 1/2-hour sessions a week is what I've been doing, seven 1/2-hour sessions is my goal. I've been eating fewer than 1600 calories a day, as recommended by the Alli program for my weight and activity level. Actually, that's how many calories a day they recommend for the weight level below mine, so I thought if I did that, then I would lose weight faster.
In a desperate attempt to jump-start my weight loss, I'm going to combine Alli and Slim Fast. Will I be full? Probably not, but I'm sick of this. Being overweight is worse for me then consuming only 1200 calories a day. Before you ask, I have doctor approval for this. My doctor said she didn't really like it, but she understands my frustration, and because I'm young and basically healthy, she's willing to let me try eating only 1200 cals a day for a month. Then she wants me to come back for another evaluation. She said I should lose at least 5 lbs in a month eating so little, and if I don't then we'll see if there is a reason that I'm not losing weight like I should. One thing she did remind me of was the slow and steady axiom. I reminded her that if I lose weight any slower, I'll start gaining.

Exercise Goals

I might actually be meeting my exercise goals this week. This also forces me to weigh myself less often, because the day after I exercise I always weigh heavier than the day before or the next day. So, exercising every weekday, as is my goal, forces me to only weigh about once a week. This is probably a good thing, as I tend to get over-excited about or dissapointed over one or two tenths of a pound. But, I am continuing on my way, and doing quite well, I think. :) Like I've said before, this time is it. I'll get healthy and then I can have a little baby!!!! YAY!!!!

Day 29

193.3! Still on track for my goal of 60 lbs in a year. Which means that this time next year, I'll be done with my diet. And I haven't even been really good this month, so if I continue to be strict with myself like I've done the past week or so, I might finish early! 193 is still pretty heavy, but it's starting to feel good to step on the scale every morning because I know I'm doing something about it. The results are a good motivator too. Once I lose another 10 lbs I'll be down to my lowest weight that I remember. It's a little depressing to think about because I was down to that before the wedding and if I hadn't gotten off track on the honeymoon or if I had come back and gone right back to the diet I would be lower then that now. I would be in the 170's. I never remember weighing that little. But I'll get there. No matter what happens, I will get there.

Day 27

Okay, so I didn't post every day...or every week. Or at all.
I had a bad week and didn't want to admit it, and then I had an okay couple of days, and then I really got back on track. Now I'm down to 194.2. Woohoo!
Michael and I went to the beach on Saturday, stayed for the night. That really motivated me because he wanted me to get a 2-piece suit, so I tried on a few, and looked really bad. Really, really bad. Michael didn't agree, but I knew I wasn't going outside in those things, so I didn't buy one. I told him we would try again when I lose some more weight.
We also had a talk about how his eating habits affect me, and he's trying to be more supportive. I think he's really starting to understand the psychological side to my eating. The other day I said I wanted some chocolate and he just told me 'no' and walked over and hugged me for a few minutes. That was all I really needed. It helped me relax and feel comforted, which is what chocolate does without the unpleasant side effect of extra calories, anger at myself, and sadness.
He's also helping me with my exercise goals by encouraging me to go the gym and even stay little past my normal workout so I don't worry about getting home so fast. Sometimes he even starts dinner before I get home so I have less to do and we don't eat so late. He's always been good about doing that kind of thing if I ask him, but now he's taking the initiative. Life is good. :)

Day Eight

Here's where seeing the forest through the trees begins. I was back up to 196.3 this morning. Am I going to freak out about a tenth of a pound? No, because I choose not to. Through my first week of dieting, I lost about 1.5 lbs. I'll take it for the forest, and ignore the trees for a bit.
Still waiting on my day off. I'm going to make myself meet my exercise goals before I allow a day off. I know from past experience that I can really go overboard on a day off, so I need to be sure I can make up for it and keep going before I take that chance. My exercise goal is to go to Curves every weekday, and do the Strapless Dress workout I was using before the wedding on the weekends. If I can do that over the next week, I'll consider taking a day off from the diet, but not the exercise. I hate exercise, so that has to be the thing I focus on most. I can stay busy and ignore food altogether for a few hours, but exercise is a thing too easy to avoid, and I can't afford to avoid it.

Day Seven

Lost another tenth of a pound, to put me at 196.2. Back on track, and I'm going to Curves this afternoon. Exercising every day is a goal I haven't been able to meet yet, but I know I'll get there. Today is supposed to be my first day off, but I'm going to wait and see if I really need it today. I kinda like the idea of knowing that I have one coming to me, rather than having to wait for it. This way I can take it any time I like, and the longer I go without it, the easier it will be to get back on track after it.
Michael says he can tell I've lost weight. It's only a few pounds so far, so I think he's just being encouraging, but I like it all the same. :)

Day Six

I gained .2 lbs, to bring it back up to 196.3. Still less than I started, and still on track to lose at least 5 lbs this month, so I'll take it. Maybe seeing the effects of the weekend? Sometimes it can take a few days for stuff like that to show up, I'm told. Anyway, I'll 'just keep swimming'.

:)

Day Five

This morning my weight was 196.1. Woohoo! Staying on track through the weekend (which included having friends over on Saturday and Sunday night, for steak and burgers respectively). BTW, I feel I should clarify: I won't post my weight every day, but every weekday. I'm in front of a computer screen all day at work, so on the weekends I prefer not to get on. :)

Chocolate

Mmmm, chocolate. My drug of choice. Kind of a problem when you are trying to lose weight. I'm training myself to ignore the temptation, and it's really hard. I can't just rid the house of all things sweet. My husband would kill me, and it would still leave me open to temptation everywhere else. And really pissed when I'm PMSing and there's no chocolate to be found. So I'm keeping my 'day off' stash at work. Right now I go at least five days without a day off. That's more days off than the recommended once-a-week, but my job is stressful and I'm not going to torture myself, especially since I'll go longer than that if I can. Once I take a day off the count starts over again; that way I can't say I went a whole month without a day off, and now I'm going to take four days off.
Anyway, I keep my day off stash at work. There's a two-fold purpose. The first is for the day off itself. With my stash at hand, I don't have to feel guilty about all the crap I buy on a day off and can't finish. I don't buy anything refrigerated or frozen, unless it's a single serving and I'm going to eat it right then. Therefore, anything I don't finish on the day off goes in the stash and waits for the next day off. The second purpose is that when it's not my day off I have a training tool. If I can ignore it while it's in a drawer in my office and I can have it without anyone knowing, then I can ignore it any time. It's working so far, but it's only half-way through day two. Still, I'm feeling pretty good about it. I've tried getting rid of all the temptation around me, and it doesn't work. Maybe this will. :)

Day Two

So today is day two, and this morning I weighed in at 197.5 lbs. Yesterday's weight was guesstimate, so I'm not going to jump up and down thinking I lost half a lb in one day. Weight also fluctuates for so many different reasons that I'm looking for more of a pattern than day to day weight loss, which is why I didn't give my weight loss goal in days, which would be silly. Still, it's a good way to start a pattern, even if it's a little off. :)

Motivation

I'm starting this blog to track my weight loss and fitness level. I'll enter my trials, temptations, plateaus, stresses and weight every day. I'm 5'4", currently 198 lbs. I want to lose at least 60 lbs in the next year, which is 5 lbs a month. My absolute deadline (even though you are not supposed to have one of those) is July 1, 2009, which is about 4.3 lbs per month. That is when I would like to start trying to get pregnant. I welcome all helpful comments, tips, advice, support, commiseration and anything else you'd like to add.
To meet my goal, I'm going to eat healthier, drink more water, and go to Curves almost every day. This is mostly for me and my future child(ren), but it's also for my husband, who is trying to be supportive, but I know he's tired of dirty looks from me every time he eats something fried or chocolaty in front of me.
I would say that I've been dieting on and off for about six years. Meaning I started my sophomore year in high school. This time it's going to work, and the weight is going to come off and stay off. I will not be a fat mother and wife!

P.S. If you would like to see my personal blog, please visit http://btwnhvnnhll.blogspot.com/